After some time, I decided to look at Trisha’s facebook account. Yeah, apparently, not talking things over and not ending things properly is a stupid thing to do. I still like her. And after all this time, I’m still thinking about her.
Well, I don’t sulk too much like I did before but I still do think about her and I still feel like I should have done more. Whenever I think about how things transpired, I just can’t help but slap my self for being weak and stupid and overly sensitive.
Now, I can’t do anything about how I feel anymore. She’s gone and happily in a relationship with some Chinese guy. I want to talk shit about the guy but I know that even if I do that, she’d still be hers and I’d still be single.
All I pray is that one day, they’d break up and she’d remember me. Hopefully, when that day comes, she’d call me again and let me grab an opportunity I once missed.
Fogetting someone you really like (to the point that you can say that you are in love with her) is really difficult. I usually laugh at people who suffer from the anxiety of hoping for things that will never be. Unfortunately, I have become one of those people I laugh at… at least for a time.
But I got over that stage in my life. Or so I thought.
The truth is I never really had closure with her. She never really gave me a chance to have a serious talk with her to end the whole ordeal properly. And the more the situation dragged on, the more depressed I became, the more stupid I felt. If there was anyone for me to laugh at, it would have been me.
So once and for all, I decided to just give up entirely and just suppress the feelings I had even without takling to her. That, I thought, was the wisest choice I could make. It took a while before I could totally forget her. It took months actually.
Then, just this morning, I received a missed call from her. I asked her why she rang me and she was just asking how I was ‘cause she just remembered me. It was confusing.
I feel so lost since I have no idea what’s happening. The way she treated me gave me the impression that she didn’t care about how I felt. She made me feel like trash and now she’s suddenly asking me how I am… after how many months.
Everything came flooding back. All the tears I’ve shed, all the pain I’ve endured, all the emotions I’ve suppressed, all the pride I’ve lost came flashing into my mind with that single missed call.
Now, I’m back at where I started three months ago. I’m in shambles and trying to pull myself together again. After being haunted by the ghost of heart ache’s past, my life is again in tarmac.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not bitter and I’m not really angry at her. In fact, there’s a part of me that felt warm and probably a bit joyous about the whole sequence of events this morning. I still like her and I will not deny that. But I know that this isn’t going to work out. I’ll still just be another admirer she wouldn’t care about and if I allow myself to fall all over again, I might end up getting my heart wounded worse that it did the first time.
Finally, after how many weeks, natapos ko na rin ang painting ni Trisha. To be honest, hindi naman niya talaga kamukha tong nasa painting. Mali yung mata, mali yung shape ng jaw at mali yung height ng noo. Pag tinitignan ko, nadidisappoint ako dahil hindi ko naachieve yung gusto kong maachieve to the point na gusto kong ulitin for the nth time. Pero bigla akong nawalan ng gana. Sa totoo lang, one week nang tapos yung painting ng mukha nito, hindi ko lang natapos agad dahil naasar ako nung last time na pinuntahan ko siya’t pinaghintay niya lang ako.
Gusto ko pa sanang ulitin yung painting para mas maayos kaya lang sobrang wala na akong ganang gumawa uli. Ayoko na nga ring ayusin yung mga maling linya at malling kular at iba pang mali sa painting. I realized that she doesn’t give a damn anyway. It doesn’t matter how much effort or time I will put into this. In the end, she would see it as something that her infatuated guest would give her.
All I know is that natapos ko na yung painting. Whether kamukha niya o hindi tapos na. At wala akong planong ibigay to sa loon ng QC. Sorry, but this work means something to me and I don’t want QC to corrupt whatever meaning I give it.
Pero ewan, subukan ko na rin gumawa pa ng isa. Kung kaya ko. If ever she decides to meet somewhere other than QC pagnatapos ko yung bago, yun ang ibibigay ko. If not, ito na lang. Kung ayaw niya makipagmeet somewhere else, i-download na lang niya.
Here’s another song that strongly speaks my mind. This one is by Adele and this song expresses the doubts that I have.
Chasing Pavements lyrics Songwriters: Adkins, Adele; White, Francis Eg;
I’ve made up my mind, don’t need to think it over
If I’m wrong I am right, don’t need to look no further
This ain’t lust, I know this is love
But if I tell the world, I’ll never say enough
‘Cause it was not said to you
And that’s exactly what I need to do if I’d end up with you
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
I build myself up and fly around in circles
Wait then as my heart drops and my back begins to tingle
Finally could this be it?
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up or should I just keep on chasing pavements
Should I just keep on chasing pavements?
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
The biggest question that looms over my head right now is repeatedly mentioned in this song over and over, ‘Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements?’. If you are asking why I have this question, I suggest you read the previous entries. Although I doubt that anyone would actually read this blog. I doubt that anyone is following my blog anywaw.
What really makes me second guess myself and my efforts is the fact that I don’t feel that Trisha will ever reciprocate how I feel. I doubt that she even gives a damn about it.
To be honest, I don’t think the dynamics of our relationship would ever change. She will forever be Trisha and I will forever be just her guest. As long as she doesn’t treat me like a normal suitor, I could never lose these doubts that I have. As long as she never introduce me and allow me to get to know the Princess behind the Trisha persona, I will never feel like I even have a chance.
So back to the question, Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements… even if it leads nowhere?
Nananahimik lang ako habang nagtatrabaho ng alas kuwatro ng madaling araw habang iniisip na kelangan kong matapos lahat ng puwede kong matapos ngayon dahil may pupuntahan akong children’s party mamaya. Siyempre, as usual, blocked out ang buong mundo sa senses ko dahil may suot akong headphones habang nakikinig ng ipod.
Habang hinahalukay ko ang mga appropriate words sa very limited kong bokabularyo, bigla akong napahinto, natulala at nangarap. May tumugtog na track sa ipod na matagal ko nang hindi naririnig. Isang kantang sobrang nakakarelate ako ngayon. And the song is, as the title of this god forsaken entry indicates, ‘A Little Respect’. Yung version na nasa ipod ko ay version ng Wheatus para may edge ng konti.
Anyway, tumigil ang mundo ko kahit patuloy na dumaloy ang oras habang nilalasap ko ang malungkot na mensahe ng kanta. To give you a clear idea of what I mean, ipopost ko na rin yung lyrics:
A Little Respect
I tried to discover a little something to make me sweeter
Oh baby refrain from breaking my heart
I’m so in love with you
I’ll be forever blue
That you give me no reason, you know you’re making me work so hard
That you give me no . . . Soul
I hear you calling
Oh baby please give a little respect to me.
And if I should falter, would you open your arms out to me?
We can make love not war, and live in peace with our hearts
I’m so in love with you, I’ll be forever blue
What religion or reason could drive a man to forsake his lover?
Don’t you tell me no. . . Soul.
I hear you calling
Oh baby please, give a little respect to me.
I’m so in love with you
I’ll be forever blue
That you give me no reason
You know you’re making me work so hard
That you give me no. Soul.
I hear you calling.
Oh baby, please give a little respect to me.
Oh baby, please give a little respect to me.
Here’s the video:
Obviously, the story of the video doesn’t apply to me. It’s more of the lyrics of the song that I can relate to than the music video.
Kung nabasa mo na ang previous entries ko, then you would have a good idea of why I could relate to the lyrics of this song. I just feel like, in summary, I’m being disrespected by the object of my affection. Yes, as gay as it sounds, I feel like I’m being played. Minsan hindi mo rin mapipigilan ang sarili mong isiping pinaglalaruan ka ng taong mahal mo lalo na kung ang trato niya sa’yo ay ganun sa mga dinescribe ko sa previous entries ko.
Minsan, kapag naiisip ko si Trisha, gusto ko na lang sumigaw ng ‘Respeto naman!’ kahit alam kong hindi niya ako maririnig.
Alam kong pahirapan ang ligawan kung minsan pero… respeto naman. Madali naman akong kausap e. Kung ayaw mo, hindi ko ipipilit sarili ko. Sabihin mo lang. Hindi yung eto ako, naghihintay ng chance na hindi mo naman binibigay. Minsan pakiramdam ko kaya ako nandito at lutang sa kawalan ng pag-asa eh dahil para may regular guest ka lang. I don’t feel that you appreciate how I feel for you and you’re not telling me because I’m a sure source of income. Yung tipong pag may ibang guest na mas matagal kang ita-time in, papa-time in ka kahit alam mong darating ako dahil mas malaki kita dun. Parang papupuntahin mo ako sa trabaho mo para may sure guest ka kung walang magta-table sayo ng maaga. Masakit e.
Ewan. Sana mali ang iniisip ko. Pero ang hirap isiping mali ako kung walang pinupuntahan efforts ko. Alam kong wala pa talaga akong napapatunayan pero hindi mo rin naman ako binibigyan ng pagkakataong patunayan. At tulad ng lagi kong sinasabi, ayokong manligaw sa club!
Tapos siyempre, hindi natapos dun yung emo moment ko. Pagkatapos ng ‘A Little Respect’, sinundan yung track ng ‘Every Little Thing’ ng Dishwala. Isang kantang naglalaman ng lahat ng gusto kong sabihin na hindi ko kayang sabihin. Again, para magkaintindihan tayo, ipopost ko yung lyrics:
Every Little Thing
Let me in
to see you in the morning light
to get me on and all along the tears they come
see all come
I want you to believe in life
but I get the strangest feeling that you’ve gone away
will you find out who you are too late to change?
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
some times
lift me up
just lift me up don’t make a sound
and let me hold you up before you hit the Ground
see all come
you say your all right
but I get the strangest feeling
that you’ve gone away- you’ve gone away
and will you find out who you are too late to change?
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
some times
Don’t give me up
don’t give me up tonight
or soon nothing will be right at all
salvation
will you find out who you are too late to change?
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
Walang matinong version nito sa youtube. Ito na ang pinaka matinong nahanap ko. ‘Wag mo na panooring yung video. Makinig ka na lang!
Anyway, this song just has everything that I want to say. Gusto kong ibigay ang buo kong pagkatao sa kaniya, pero ako nga ba ang gusto niya? Yun lang.
It wouldn’t matter how much effort I exert. It wouldn’t matter how strong my feelings are. It wouldn’t matter how honest and open I could be. If I’m not the person she’s looking for, if I’m not the guy she wants, then everything is in vain.
I guess all I could ever pray for is that I could be every little thing she wants. But with the amount of respect I’m getting, I guess I’m wishing for too much.
Ni hindi nga niya ako ina-accept yung facebook friend request ko e.
Mga Pangarap ng Taong Nakatunganga 